In true Christian Bale fashion, the most intense actor of this generation has thrown himself headfirst into his latest onscreen challenge, and emergency service providers across North America are working in concert to develop a contingency plan.
“When we heard Christian Bale was cast again, we were all a little nervous,” said FEMA director Brock Long. “We’re prepared for fires, floods, hurricanes, oil spills and the zombie apocalypse but Christian Bale is another kettle of fish altogether.”
“We had hoped Christian would take it easy for a while, maybe do some voiceover work as a cartoon dog,” added Christine McTeale, National Co-Ordinator for Protection Against Method Effects Loose Again (PAMELA). “But when we heard that he was playing [former] Vice President Dick Cheney, no one really knew what to make of that.”
At first, Bale’s method techniques seemed relatively benign as he immersed himself in the physical changes for which he is so famously known. “He changed his hair and his weight,” McTeale said. “And luckily as a nation we have been long prepared for that, thanks to those drills Oprah used to run. But now that we’re entering the Category 2 stage of the Method, the changes are expected to become more irregular and unpredictable.” Bale has already become a practicing Methodist, as is Dick Cheney, making the actor the first MethoMethodist of the big screen.
Despite McTeale’s warning, we do have one constant to which we can be assured- and that is that Bale will fully immerse himself in whatever he feels necessary to really “get” this Cheney guy. The receding gray hair and dyed matching eyebrows are a long way from the Batman, but certainly nothing unexpected. Close friends however, were concerned when Bale smoked 37 cartons of cigarettes in a three week period and induced several heart attacks under reluctant medical supervision (leaked audio files of Bale persuading his personal physician Dr. Nicholas Rivert to comply have already been generating much pre-screening buzz).
And now that Bale has been trying to contract former Special Forces operatives to extract crisis actors from a falafel stand in Van Nuys, the newly christened Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Christian Bale is weighing their options on when best to intervene before, as one anonymous source within the bureau states “Bale goes full on Colonel Kurtz”. The source then added “I really wish they had cast Bale in that movie about Mister Rogers. Mister Rogers, I love.” Bale’s closest friends state they are running out of reasons to not go hunting with him, and have taken to wearing bright orange vests even while in their own homes.
When asked what unique challenges his latest role has offered, Bale enigmatically replied “As I think about the future, I’m back where most people live their lives. Which is, death is not imminent, and that’s different.” Reporters then realized that this was, in fact, a quote from Dick Cheney and backed away slowly.
Citizens are warned to have emergency supplies on hand and always be near available shelter, until February when the Oscars have been definitively supplied to the winners and all subsequent grievances have been filed.
[Disclaimer: The above is a work of satire only and should not in any way be construed as truth. I love and admire the dedicated professionalism of Christian Bale. I feel he is underrated as an actor. I think he is a handsome fellow. Oh god Christian Bale, please don’t hurt me.]