God Bless You, Mr. Oliver

Last night, while filming a segment for his award-winning HBO show Last Week Tonight, John Oliver made a joke so self-deprecating that it caused him to compress down to under the size of a single atom. In a rare cross-platform media consensus, outlets worldwide have agreed not to reprint the joke. Amazingly, the studio audience as a whole was sufficiently well adjusted to avoid a similar fate, although some of the more vulnerable segments have since been placed into crisis counseling while they ruminate on their own self worth. Rumors of the Oliver disappearance initially circulated wildly on causes ranging from spontaneous combustion to alternate universe transportation. Proponents of the latter theory believed him secretly to be a clandestine member of the renegade anti-heroes the X-Men, but naturally such wild punditry was promptly disavowed by Professor X who described Oliver’s talents as “negligible”.

Particle physicists from NYU were quickly dispatched to the scene and determined that Oliver’s relentless inwardly directed hostility took his ego down to the sub-atomic level, taking his body with it. It is believed that Oliver still exists, but on a level indiscernible to all modern methods of detection. Hope was briefly placed that Dr. Henry “Hank” Pym might be able to retrieve him, but that hope was dashed when Dr. Pym advised that his equipment can penetrate only down to the quantum level, well above the level of John Oliver’s ego. He sent an intern down to take a look around, but the intern came back only with a now under-sized over-sized Reese’s Peanut Butter cup mug and a heavily notated copy of Chicken Soup for the Late-Night Host Soul.

Hullo John? I think your haircut’s great!

Scientists at CERN have been alerted and are weighing their options as to whether the super collider should be brought online to aid in the search. They believe they have both the equipment and expertise to retrieve Mr. Oliver, but there is a one in seven hundred thousand millionth of a chance that the effort will end all life in the universe. Debate on whether or not this is a worthwhile risk has now entered the literal eleventh hour.

Absent any hope of immediate recovery, Oliver fans worldwide began preparations for a memorial service, only to abandon them when someone pointed out that Oliver would not want a fuss. In the meantime, volunteers have been dispatched to provide modest compliments to his empty chair in the hopes that residual good will may find itself to wherever he now resides and sufficiently inflate Oliver’s ego to recoverable levels, provided they can get his attention. “I don’t know exactly what’s going on wherever John might be today,” said long time associate John Stewart. “But I like to think that he’s working on a long form expose of the infrastructure.” Hopes are not high in regard to his rescue, as the volunteers are pressured by the ticking clock of commerce- knowing full well that they have two weeks only until the set of Last Week Tonight is dismantled to provide storage for the cowboy hats of Westworld.

As the crisis enters it’s second day, Oliver’s family has asked that any and all donations be made to his favorite charity, John “Jack” Otherton’s Home for Modest Boys. Our thoughts and prayers go out to the Olivers, although they probably won’t help much.

Disclaimer: The above is a work of satire only and intended only to convey to the very talented John Oliver that I think he’s pretty decent. You know, not bad. He’s okay. Love ya, John.

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